


young and impressionable

by lunariaans



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Eventual Relationships, F/M, First Meetings, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, idk what else
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7393879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunariaans/pseuds/lunariaans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She is young and impressionable when they first meet, though it seems that she is the one who has left an impression on him. </p>
<p>aka: Tales of Lady Sakura's retainers and how they came to know each other over the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. remember when you fell off your horse?

**Author's Note:**

> i'm back will i ever stop writing hanbaki? hopefully not  
> i never use a beta tester (im a weenie) so mistakes are inevitable

She is young and impressionable when they first meet, though it seems that she is the one who has left an impression on him.

She stands next to the young princess, a small thing who has just reached her tenth year of life, and she sighs inwardly as she awaits the girl's second royal retainer.

She herself is only thirteen, a small girl who has already been the princess's retainer for a short amount of time. The princess at her side fought hard for her position, the privilege of the place next to her, through the reservations of her abilities, gender and age.

She is from a noble family that has served royalty for many generations, just like his own. A master in the sword with a fiery attitude to boot, her mouth would get her into more trouble than her sword ever could; it was something he had learned when they first met.

He is only sixteen, the youngest a man can be to join Hoshido's royal guard. His skills with a lance and his abilities on a mount are impeccable, far above and beyond any one else in his class. His family lived and breathed the life of a sky knight; his mother was one, and her mother was one, and _her_ mother was one. With no daughters to carry on the beloved title of his family's pride, he took it upon himself to be the continuation of the legacy.

His father had disapproved at first, but that only served to push him to become even better. Only a month into his term with the guard had he been recommended as a retainer to the young princess, and after a visit to the training grounds where she watched him work, she had made her decision.

So there he was now, riding atop his Pegasus to the front gates of Castle Shirasagi to where the princess and her retainer were supposed to be waiting. He's heard many things about this retainer, mainly about how young of an age she is, but also about how fearsome she can be. She is supposedly a samurai, one of the most honorable classes someone can be, and such a person as that can only conjure up all sorts of images in his head. Mainly frightening ones.

One can only imagine his surprise when he finally reaches the front gates to see the two girls standing there, a border guard behind them. The princess, of course, looks about as cute and precious as one would expect the youngest royal child to be. But the retainer, the retainer surprises him so; she is not the fearsome creature he had imagined her to be. No, when he rides up and he spots her, he is surprised to see that she is small and fragile looking and very pretty, like she herself could be a princess. Surely this couldn't be her.

But he sees the sword at her side, a weapon that looks a little too big for her small frame, and he knows it must be her.

The princess looks up with her hands behind her back and a shy look on her face, the size of her bright yukata seemingly swallowing her frame. The girl next to her crosses her arms with a scowl. He doesn't think she looks all that pretty anymore.

"Hello," the princess speaks up, and her voice is small and timid; she shifts her weight from foot to foot and hides her hands behind her back. "I am Sakura, Princess of Hoshido."

He gives her a valiant smile and nods, moving to get off his mount, something a veteran sky knight should easily be able to do, but for some reason he seems to get his foot caught in the stirrup on his way down. He comes crashing off of his mount, headfirst into the dirt before his new liege with one leg in the air still attached to the saddle, and he is instantly filled with the feeling of humiliation.

He hears a gasp from the princess, a chuckle from the border guard, and a harsh laugh from the retainer.  He lays there for a moment, looking up at the sky as he sees the princess rush to hover over him.

"Are you okay?" she asks, eyes wide with worry, and he bites his cheek, hard, until he can taste the rust in his mouth. He needed a fit punishment but he was still an idiot.

He nods, too afraid to say anything, and promptly tries to stand back up with the help of his new liege as she uses her small hands to pull his foot from the stirrup.

When he is fully standing and brushing off the back of his pants (and trying to maintain his pride), he notices that the retainer is still laughing, so much so that she is doubled over and tears of mirth fall from her eyes. Her face is red as she lets out her cruel laugh, and he most definitely thinks that she is no longer pretty. His ideas of that menacing monster seemed to be truer than he thought.

He's embarrassed, he's _never_ done something like this; surely that retainer would never do something as humiliating as this. She probably thought him a fool and an oaf now, someone who would not be able to protect her liege as adequately as she could. He goes red in the face.

When the princess walks up to her retainer and firmly tugs a piece of her hair, only then does she stop laughing like a fool. She turns to the princess, opens her mouth to speak, but quickly remembers her place and shuts it with another scowl. He finds this girl extremely rude.

He gathers up his courage and whatever shred of dignity he has left and makes his way to stop in front of them. He bows deeply as he introduces himself.

"Lady Sakura," he says, doing his best to keep his voice from shaking. He was older than these girls; they should be looking up to him and his incredible skill, not laughing down at his perfectly timed mistake. "I am Tsubaki, and I am humbled to be in your service."

And he truly had been humbled.                                                                           

He stands back up straight to see her smile, then elbow her retainer, to which she replies with an eye roll.

She also bows (though it's not as deep) as she says, "I am Hana. It will be an honor to work with you."

He doesn't really believe her tone when she says it.

But it's good enough for Lady Sakura as she nods and smiles again, turning to head back into the castle. The border guard steps forward to take his mount and Hana follows the princess closely behind, gesturing for him to follow though it is with a frown on her face.

As soon as their backs are turned he lifts his hands up and drags them down his face with disgust, suppressing the desire to let out an angry groan. How sad and truly awful his first impression had been; he is really only thankful that neither of his parents were there to see it for their scolding would've been much worse than the embarrassment he had just received.

Reluctantly he follows, and he makes it a goal, a simple mental note, to never embarrass himself in front of those two again.

A month goes by and he seems to settle in nicely with all of the residents of the castle, his incident had not made it to any gossipers ears, so his reputation of a skilled warrior goes on untarnished. He is thankful for that.

He soon finds out that his liege, Lady Sakura, is a quiet and timid girl, and is well behaved for a princess so young, never talking out of turn, always minding her manners, extremely kind and caring. He is impressed by her maturity.

His fellow retainer on the other hand is not at all as mild mannered and matured. That is something he had learned quickly.

She has a stubborn and strong willed personality, one that would be quite intriguing from a girl his age, but on her, he just finds it annoying. She walks around like she is the best, her head held high and her chest puffed out (though there is nothing really to puff out there, he notes) and just her being her in general really seems to irk him in some deplorable way.

It's a shame really, that some pretty little girl was not off playing with dolls and learning how to pour tea, but rather she was stuck here, her only job to torment him.

He also quickly learns that such spiteful thoughts will get him in trouble.

He sits near the royal guards training grounds, having been given the day off as Lady Sakura was currently under the care of her older siblings, and he dutifully cleans his lance, a special parting gift from his parents. Made from the finest steel money could buy, it was handcrafted and intricately designed from a notorious foreign land; tiny spires of leaves and flowers etched into the shaft and winding its way up to the tip, he had never seen a weapon so beautiful.

He's busy enjoying this peaceful moment from his new life as a retainer to notice the girl approach him, he's too caught up in his idle musings of how different his employment was from his expectations; because Lady Sakura was so young, most of the time he felt more like a glorified babysitter than an actual royal retainer. Day in and day out, he spent his days with two young girls, who were also best friends, and when meetings and lessons were held they felt more like play dates than important noble teachings.

Yet he stays with the job and still doesn't notice as she approaches closer, and he barely has the good notion to look up and catch a wooden practice sword as she says, "Hey!"

He catches it easily, determined to not be thwarted by her cruel laughter again, and her sees her frown, crossing her arms.

He looks at her curiously.

"Spar with me."

It's his turn to frown as he looks down at the wooden sword, then back up at her.

"Excuse me?"

"Spar with me," she repeats, and he cannot even begin to comprehend why she is talking to him.

"Sky knights don't use swords," he says flatly, and he stands up and walks to her, placing the practice sword back into her hand.

She doesn't accept it as she pushes it back towards him, slamming it into his chest. Her face is set hard with determination, she _will_ get her way.

"If you're to be a retainer for Sakura, you should be prepared to fight with anything and everything, including your life."

He twists his face into one of disgust and lets the sword hang at his side as he drops his arm.

"You speak of your liege with no formal titles?" he clicks his tongue in a sound of disapproval and he watches with a sick joy as she furrows her brows together. "How  shameful. You should watch it or that mouth will get you a beating."

She quickly masters her emotions though as a sly grin seems to cross her face rather than the furious one he is expecting.

"You're from a noble family, right?"

He frowns. He was from an upper class family, but how did she know?

"Yes..." he says cautiously.

"Oh, then I guess you're family bought you this position just like they probably bought you that fancy weapon." She gestures to the lance behind him.

He narrows his eyes at her and he feels his blood boil as he tightens his grip around the wooden sword.

She makes her way over to his weapon and delicately runs her tiny hand over the designs of the steel. She looks back at him with a smirk.

"This is a _Nohrian_ weapon. Carry it around the wrong people and it will get you a beating."

"What is it that you want?" he questions, and he is sure that she is just reveling in the way his cheeks must be burning bright red.

She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.

"Spar with me. I've already said that."

He glances down at the practice sword in his hands, its rough corners of the hilt digging deep into his palm as he tightens his grip to the point where his knuckles turn white.

He looks back at her and he would certainly love nothing more than to whack that smile off her face with the blunt side of a sword, but she doesn't really look like she can take a hit. She's small and young and almost fragile looking in her dull colored hakama that look two sizes too big on her. It's almost enough to make him laugh.

Nonetheless, he lets out a scoff, and that is his first fatal mistake.

"Shouldn't you be off playing with dolls or something?" he asks, and he doesn't realize it but that's his second fatal mistake.

He then pats her on the head in the most patronizing way, his third and final fatal mistake.

It all happens in a blur as he is barely able to throw his practice sword up into a blocking position as she angrily sweeps her sword up then down towards him. He struggles to keep wood on wood and not wood on flesh as _she_ struggles to make contact with his face; she is much stronger than she looks and he knows the instant he is able to push her away that he is in deep trouble now.

"Do you think I'm just some little girl, just a friend of the princess?" she practically barks out, holding her weapon precariously towards him.

He mimics her movements but is too afraid to say anything for fear of just how angry she could get. They circle one another, carefully placing one foot behind the other as she stares him down; to her _this_ was probably child's play, some silly little game fueled by anger, but to him, to him this is practically a life or death situation, he only cares about self-preservation now.

"I am Hana, retainer to the youngest princess of Hoshido!" she tells him, and he knows this, he also shares that title, but he still holds his tongue and just looks at her with wide eyes as he tries to keep watch on every movement that she makes. "I've trained long and hard for my position and I won't let you look down on me."

She swings for him again and he is barely able to block. The loud sound of lacquered wood against wood rings out across the field; he finds the noise deafening.

She swings and he blocks every single time, scared for his life as each blow seems harder than the last, each clack that comes from their wooden weapons seems louder than the one before. He thinks she is truly unstoppable, she really was as talented as they had said, and he finds himself amazed by her prowess. She has a devilish smile on her face now, almost like she is having fun, as opposed to the fearsome glare she had on before, and he can't help but feel a bit of admiration for her skill, maybe he's even a little impressed.

But he soon notices that she follows certain patterns at certain times. When he gets too close, she starts to swing for his left, but switches halfway and aims for his right; when he is too far, she throws herself forward, lunging and then thrusting up then down towards his head. And when she is feeling just an extra bit adventurous, when she tries to end the battle with a victory for herself, her sword moves wildly to the left, the right, the left, the right again, and then in one grand gesture she swings it all down towards him with extreme force. He was no good with a sword but somehow he still blocks every blow.

Knowing her patterns, he finally decides to take an offensive approach, mimicking her moves exactly, and her eyes widen when she realizes how the tables have turned.

"What are you-" she's cut off as _she_ has to start blocking blows.

"You're too predictable after a while," he explains, and it's a sweet victory in itself when he sees her face go red with anger and her mouth open in shock. She soon takes back the offensive though, charging for him again, and though he was able to have foiled her plan even for a small bit of time, she has the upper hand once again as her skill becomes too much for him to surpass.

She swings for his left, his right, and then she proves him wrong about how predictable she has become by switching tactics as he goes to block. She uses all her force when she swings down and he holds his practice sword above him to catch the attack. She pushes down, with all of her might, and he finds it insane that he is struggling to hold the young girl back, but also thrilling in some sick way. Some young, petite looking girl was here handing his ass to him on a silver platter. He's more than impressed by now; he sort of even respects her a little.

They are nearly face to face and he is surprised yet again when she gives him a wink, he doesn't even have time to process it, before he feels her heel stomp and dig into his foot, causing him to slacken his grip on the sword just a bit, and allowing her to swing for his now open side.

She hits his ribs with a loud _whack_! and the blow is enough to send him to the ground in pain. She looks down at him with a triumphant smile while he wraps an arm around himself and suppresses a curse.

He only then realizes that a crowd has gathered to watch the match between the two young retainers until they start clapping. Hana also takes notice of them, beaming with pride and a hint of embarrassment as she leans down to offer him a hand.

"I got you to spar with me," she says with a cheeky smile, and he groans as he wraps his hand around her tiny one. "Maybe it's you who should be playing with the dolls."

He's hoisted back to his feet and he looks down at her, no longer feeling angry or irritated, even though he had lost. Somehow, he feels lighter, like some invisible weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

"I'm sorry for saying that. You've really seemed to have proven me wrong."

And he means it, he really does, and he can't help but give her a small grin to which he receives one in return, her eyes lighting up with something unknown to him.

"Apology accepted," she says with nonchalance, looking away and releasing his hand. "I really did just want to spar with you, but you had to go and make things difficult."

She sighs, traces of a frown ready on her lips. "But I should apologize too. It was wrong of me to egg you on like I did. I just had to see if you were as good as everyone says you are."

He raises a brow; so people _had_ been talking about him, though in more favorable ways than he could've asked for. "And?"

She looks back at him and sighs. "For someone who doesn't use a sword, you're much better than I could've ever imagined."

He feels a devilish grin make its place on his face. "Thank you, but might I say, that last move you pulled was a bit dirty."

She snorts and rolls her eyes, picking up his fallen practice sword. "On the battlefield, your enemy won't care if his actions are dirty or not. All he cares about is you being dead."

She has a point.

He decides to point out the finer things in fighting a fair fight as he follows her back to the castle. She declaims his thoughts, he rebuts them, and then she throws him a scowl, but he finds himself enjoying the conversation with her, so much so that they argue for practically the rest of the day until they meet up with their Lady Sakura once again.  He's never enjoyed a verbal or a physical spar as much as the one he had experienced that day.

He thinks she isn't so bad anymore.


	2. you've always really loved that name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is fourteen and he is seventeen when he first hears her full name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im still so salty about them changing her name in the localization like kazahana is such a pretty name. but it just adds fuel to my fire because she doesnt seem like the type of person to like being called by anything other than her nickname

She is fourteen and he is seventeen when he first hears her full name.

They are both sitting on either side of Lady Sakura at the low table in the informal dining room of the palace. Lady Sakura quietly stares at the food in front of her, chopsticks untouched, and she sighs as her older brother walks into the room behind their mother, the queen.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Hana sit up a bit straighter and neatly place the palms of her hands over her knees.

They both bow as royalty comes to a stop in front of them on the other side of the table.

"Sakura," the queen coos, and he will never get over how soothing of a voice the mother holds within her. Kind and caring, she sounds attentive and intrigued by whatever one has to say when speaking with her, and she certainly was one of the easiest royals to talk to.

His liege looks up at her mother as her brother takes a seat across from her, sitting seiza and giving the young princess a smile.

He looks over at his liege but ends up with his eyes on his fellow retainer, raising a brow at the way he sees her bite her lip and avert her eyes when the prince looks her way.

He lets a small grin slip as he realizes what that means.

"Sakura, you haven't eaten?" the queen questions as she too takes a seat.

The princess shakes her head, her hands falling into her lap, and the queen lets a small frown mar her features.

"Why not?"

Sakura sighs again, deeply this time, and he thinks it's endearing in a way when her bottom lip sticks out ever so slightly as her brother begins to speak.

"I'm surprised Hana hasn't made you eat anything," he says, giving the girl a mischievous grin and making her blush.

"I can't make her do anything, _Lord_ Takumi," and he notices with some curiosity that she grinds the title out, like it doesn't want to be there. "It's not my place to tell her what to do."

Queen Mikoto smiles fondly at the girl, and even he can feel the warmth the room takes on when she does.

She turns her attention back to her daughter as she takes the chopsticks from the table. "You still haven't told me why you haven't eaten yet. Don't you want to grow big and strong, just like your retainers?"

He hears Takumi snort and he whips his head at the unsaid insult, waiting to see just what would come out of the young prince's mouth.

"I don't know; Hana's not that big or that strong."

His eyes widen and he feels himself clench his fists under the table as he anticipates what will most likely be a bloody mess for the prince. To hear such words would send her into a frenzy, he had learned firsthand to never bad mouth the girl's skills. He was sure this would be the end of her career as a retainer and the end of a prince as a whole.

Instead of unsheathing her sword and completely obliterating the prince, she gives him a flaccid look.

"You're just jealous that I actually know how to use a sword. I can't blame you for being envious of my skills though."

He feels his eyebrows rise in shock; if he would've said that to her, she would've killed him. He doesn't think it's fair, she probably harbors some secret feeling of spite towards him, aiming to beat him down herself.

But then he remembers the way she couldn't directly look at the prince when he first sat down, and things seem to become clearer.

The prince narrows his eyes at her, and he wonders if she can be punished for treason for openly insulting a prince like that.

"I know how to use a sword," he replies with a huff, and she raises a brow. "I'm just better with a yumi."

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "Well, if you can actually wield a sword, don't be upset the next time we spar and you lose. Again."

He finds himself thoroughly entertained by the exchange as he, the queen, and his liege look in on it, spectators from the outside, seemingly being forgotten. The prince gives her an annoyed look as he tightly crossed his arms over his chest.

And then he smiles, a pompous look on his face as he turns his nose upwards. He can only dream of what he'll say next.

"Whatever you say, _Kazahana_ ," and he's startled as she slams a hand down onto the table, rattling the bowl in front of Sakura. The prince grins triumphantly but the victory is short lived as the queen speaks up.

"Enough bickering now," she says and both of them instantly quiet down. She turns back to her daughter, chopsticks still in her hands. "Is this about Ryouma?"

The princess looks up at her mother and he sees that tears start to form in her eyes as she nods her head. A week ago, the crown prince had set out towards the border of Hoshido and their neighboring country on good knowledge that there were Nohrian spies staking out an old fort. Lord Ryouma was about to become an adult at the ripe age of twenty; he was the youngest known Hoshidan General, taking on such a position the day he turned eighteen, and has been going on less than safe missions ever since.

The queen and the princess continue to talk of the oldest brother, but it all goes in one ear and out the other as he thinks of the name that was said. It's a beautiful name, and a serene image of falling snowflakes catching the light of the sun fills his mind as the distant chatter of royalty fills the background. He has to think of whom this person might be, he's never heard of any Kazahana before, and then he realizes.

The prince had said it directly to the other retainer, like he was calling _her_ by that name.

It takes him a second to connect the dots, though he would never admit that.

Hana.

Kazahana.

He feels a fleeting smile cross his face.

"I'm just so worried about Big Brother. He's always off doing dangerous things, I just want him to come home safe," she takes a deep breath. "I just want him to come home, n-not like- not like-"

The queen sets down the chopsticks and places her hands over Sakura's instead, reaching one out to stroke her beloved daughter's face.

"Are you really so worried about your brother that you won't eat?"

Sakura nods, that bottom lip sticking out in a pout again.

Her brother Takumi looks down at his hands, choosing not to say anything either. He was worried too.

Queen Mikoto gives her another one of those so desired reassuring smiles.

"Well," she says, leaning back and away. "Ryouma wouldn't want you to grow weak and frail because you didn't eat, would he?"

Sakura shakes her head, looking down at the bowl.

"He'd be very disappointed that you weren't eating. Even though he is away, you know he would tell you himself that you need to stay strong."

"But, Mother, I'm so little. I'm not strong at all."

Queen Mikoto closes her eyes and softly shakes her head as she gives a small chuckle. "Strength doesn't have to be purely physical."

When Sakura looks up and gives her a confused look, the queen speaks again.

"You don't have to have big muscles or a certain prowess to be strong," she tells her, and then she places a hand across her chest. "To be strong, you only have to believe that he will come back, that he will fight bravely. You can be strong by never giving up hope and by keeping those around you in good spirits."

"I can be strong without big muscles?" Sakura repeats in a hushed tone, eyes wide with a realization. "Mother, is that true?"

"I would never lie about such a thing," the queen replies.

Lady Sakura stands and looks at her brother and then her mother, a bright smile now painted on her face.

"I'll eat all my food so I stay strong for Ryouma," she declares.

"And?" the queen asks, amusement written plainly.

"And...And I will never give up hope!  I will tell myself that Big Brother will come home, and very soon! I will go pray to the gods right now, so they hear my prayers loud and clear!"

She turns to head towards the door, he and Hana getting ready to rise and follow, but then Queen Mikoto gives him a knowing look and motions for them to stay.

"You could go to pray, or you could tell him all of this yourself right now."

She furrows her brows together for a moment but then she gasps, eyes lighting up with a joy he's never seen before.

"You mean-?"

"He just got back this morning," Takumi interrupts, also moving to stand. 

Sakura breaks into a big smile and she giggles as she hops back and forth on her feet. She stops for a moment, remembering that he was actually there waiting for them, and then she runs towards the door.

"I'm gonna see him first!" Sakura squeals as she goes to slide it open, but Takumi is there just as fast as he tries to push himself out of the room before her.

"No, I am!" he shouts, but Sakura's small frame allows her to squeeze out past him, and he hears them laughing as they take off running down the halls.

Queen Mikoto gives her own small laugh and she sighs and looks at the two remaining retainers. They sit stiffly under her gaze.

"Thank you both so much for looking after Sakura," she says, and they both bow without a word as she stands. "You two are free for now, please come for her after dinner."

They bow once again as she leaves the room to follow her children.

It's silent, save for their even breaths, and then he remembers something.

He raises a brow as he shifts his gaze. "Kazahana?"

She whips her head towards him, a deadly look on her face.

"Don't ever use that name around me," she demands, and he finds it oddly fascinating when she turns her head away with an undignified huff.

"You let the prince use it; I don't see why I can't."

"He's royalty, _you're_ not. I have to do what he says."

"Or maybe you just like him."

She looks furious once again as he shifts from seiza to cross legged, the absence of royalty coming as a relief.

"I do not," she declaims, crossing her arms.

He gives her a knowing smile as he sits back on his hands; he knew better than that.

"Whatever you say," and he lamely waves a hand towards her before meeting her eyes. "Either way, I think it's a pretty name."

Her eyes grow wide but they quickly narrow as she turns her head away and he _knows_ that she has a blush on her face. She was just reaching that age where the innocence seemed to stop and the thoughts of boys seemed to come; the age where what they said started to leave a mark on her, whether she liked it or not. It was the part of adolescence where she realized that boys would start to look at her differently, treat her differently, act differently, and he knew she was very determined to deter all these things.

He, on the other hand, had already gone through this knowledge long before; he was accustomed to the lingering stares of girls, the way they would giggle and shyly look away whenever he was near, and though most boys his age would be jumping at these kinds of signals from them, he could care less. The only duty he had to worry about now was his liege.

So the compliment had meant nothing when he had said it, or, at least it had, but not in the way she was interpreting it. She was too young, too immature for him; she had a long way to go before he could ever see her as anything other than the small girl with the big sword.

A very long way to go.

She quickly stands and flicks the side of his head as she passes him by to leave. He swings to hit her back but he misses, watching in defeat as she slides the door back open.

" _Never_ let me catch you saying that name," she says, an unsaid promise of all the horrible things that would happen to him if he did, and with that she is gone.

He sighs, picking up the unused chopsticks to take a bite from the untouched bowl, an act of disrespect if anyone were to see him. The food is cold as it slips down his throat.

What a name, such a poetic name, yet it was wasted on such a little brat like her. He takes another bite, then gets up to take it back to the kitchen.

"Whatever you say, Kazahana."

Her infatuation with the second prince seems to grow stronger, but it does not last long at all.

He is making his way out of the castle towards the training grounds when he sees an argument between the said prince and Hana. He waves his arms wildly, a wooden practice sword in one hand, as he yells at the girl in front of him, to which she replies with an angry glare and hands on her hips.

He stops and watches as the prince gets angrier with each passing second; he can only hear a few words of hate and rage, tearing into her with such spite that he ponders whether or not he should step in.

Hana yells back, furiously pushing a finger into the prince's chest to which he violently bats it away. He's not sure what they're arguing about, all of their screams are too possessed to comprehend, but it's short lived as Lord Takumi eventually throws down the wooden sword with enough force for it to echo throughout the castles courtyard. Hana flinches at the noise and decides that it is better to stay silent this time instead.

The prince tells her one last thing, this time with what he has to guess is a harsh whisper as he can’t hear it, to which Hana's face contorts with an emotion he cannot define as she quickly turns her head away from him.

The prince storms off and he then notices that Sakura had been standing near the two during the whole ordeal, but only until he sees her chase after her older brother, tears threatening to fall from her wide eyes. He stares at Lord Takumi as he passes, and when the prince notices him looking, he quickly averts his eyes and makes his way over to Hana, the angry sound of feet and quiet pleas leaving them behind.

She's too busy bending down to pick up the practice sword to even notice him, so when he clears his throat she is startled, quickly jumping back up to her feet.

"What was that about?" he questions her, but he is just met with a disgusted look as she gazes down at the sword. A large crack runs the length of the wooden blade and she runs a finger along the edge.

"It's none of your business," she answers, dropping the sword to rest at her side. She doesn't look at him, and he finds himself irritated by it yet he can't figure out why.

"Hana," he says, but she does not respond.

" _Kazahana_ ," he says with more force this time, and it's satisfying to see her whip her head towards him with that familiar angry stare.

"I told you not to-"

"You can tell me anything," he interrupts, and her eyebrows lift a little in surprise. He's not sure where that came from.

"We're friends right?" he asks, trying to backpedal. "You can tell me anything that troubles you."

Her brows furrow as she looks at him with something on borderline distrust, but it's better than the look of disgust he had been expecting. She sighs instead, crossing her arms over her chest.

She casts her eyes downward as an ever perpetual pout forms on her pale pink lips. Messy locks of brown hair tumble past her shoulders, ending at her mid back in tangled waves.

"Even I'm not sure what happened," she says, her eyes still trained on the ground. "One minute we're sparring, the next thing I know he gets angry and starts yelling at me, embarrassing me in front of Sakura."

"He's never done that before?"

"Well, he's always upset when we spar and I beat him, but he's never acted like _that_."

He hums in acknowledgment, trying to figure it out himself, but eventually he cannot think of anything to say. 

The silence seems to be far too long for her comfort as she sighs once again, turning to face the castle.

"Whatever," she says, squinting through the sunlight at the palace they call home. "I don't think he'll ever want to speak to me again. Maybe one of his retainers will spar with me instead."

A light seems to go off in his head as he speaks up before he can stop himself. He steps in front of her, waving a hand.

"Hello, I'm right here."

She looks back at him confused. "What?"

"Well, you could always spar with me."

She raises a brow, contemplating the idea. He wasn't sure if she would accept, he seemed to often get on her nerves, but his suggestion seemed like the obvious solution. They were both retainers to the same liege; if battle ever came they would be forced to fight side by side, so why not spar together?

She shrugs, placing her hands on her hips. "I don't know, you might not be able to keep up with my training."

"Hana," he says flatly, and then he's surprised when she gives him a mischievous smile.

"I guess we could," she finally agrees, looking down at her nails in a pompous way he's heard that Nohrians do. "It has been sometime since we last sparred."

He grins triumphantly, but she quickly scowls at it. He could never win with her.

"Meet here straight after breakfast tomorrow; we'll start then."

He nods, not bothering to ask any questions, and she takes that as her signal to leave, the cracked sword bouncing against her leg as she reenters the castle gates.

“I take my training very seriously,” she calls over her shoulder. “Don’t bother to show up if you’re going to just mess around.”

He frowns as he finally realizes what just happened; he had stumbled upon an argument not meant for him to see, he had offered a friendly ear and then his companionship, and then agreed to train with the hardest working soldier in the entirety of the capital. He chastises himself for being an idiot, getting involved in things he shouldn't be, but it was too late to go back now.

Tomorrow, right after breakfast, that's when they will meet, and he doesn't know it then but that's when things start to change. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tsubaki's not perfect i mean seriously who eats out of a bowl of food thats not theirs? im not really happy with this chapter but i just wanted to get it up soon but i hope u like it anyways uwu


	3. raised for perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is eighteen and she is fifteen when rumors about him start to spread.

He is eighteen and she is fifteen when rumors about him start to spread.

They're nothing bad, thank the gods, but they are worrisome nonetheless.

The first time he hears a rumor is when he is making his way past a servants' hall in the palace; it's not unusual to hear them gossiping about the most mundane of things, but he only stops when he hears his name in one of those knowing whispers.

"The sky knight, you mean?" one of the voices asks. "Lady Sakura's retainer?"

"Yes, yes! The one with the red hair!" the other replies, and he's very intrigued as he steps up near the sliding door to get a better listening position.

"What about him?"

"I've heard such good things about him; he seems to be quite the man."

"How so? He doesn't seem like much to me."

"I heard he's incredibly smart and a fearsome warrior," she replies with a wistful tone. "He's a perfect gentleman, so dreamy and kind."

"Says who?"

"Says me! I see him around the castle all the time, but I'm too nervous to even say hi. Can you imagine me with a guy like _that_?"

"In your dreams, darling, there's no way he'd go for a servant in his position."

"Yeah, yeah, a girl can dream. But still, I get butterflies whenever I see him; he seems like the perfect man."

He raises a brow as he leans in closer to the door. Dreamy? _Perfect?_

His face twitches with something akin to disgust as he tries to keep down old and painful memories.

"Is that so? Lady Sakura's younger retainer says otherwise."

"What did she say?"

"That he fell off his Pegasus when they first met, right in front of her and Lady Sakura herself!" the servant giggles, and he finds himself feeling red. Hana had told someone about it?

The other servant also giggles, but she quickly stops. "I don't know if that's true, I doubt he could ever do something like that. Hana is too hotheaded; perhaps she's just jealous enough to spread rumors about him."

"Or perhaps you're too blinded by this false love of yours. Though, if he's as perfect as you say, I wouldn't doubt that she did."

He finds himself scrunching his eyebrows together at the accusation that Hana would be jealous. She was exceptionally skilled in her own ways, she excelled in the sword while he lacked the skills, but surely she could not be jealous. She had nothing to be jealous about. He doubts that she would ever spread rumors.

"Even if he did," the first servant continues. "He's still extremely handsome."

Both giggle when she says that, and he contemplates opening the door and scolding them for accusing Hana of such things, but he doesn't get the chance as he's feels a hand on his shoulder.

He spins around and he's greeted with a head of royal blue hair and a scarred face, a single finger raised to the assailant's lips as she turns him around and leads him away from the room. He obediently listens.

Once they round the corner, she points to the wall, instructing him to stand against it with extreme poise. She crosses her arms as she looks him up and down.

"Eavesdropping on girls?" the woman asks with a sly grin.

He gives her a flat look. "Reina."

"Should I inform Lady Sakura that you're doing such distasteful things?"

He sighs, crossing his own arms while taking in the older woman's presence. A kinshi knight and a retainer to the queen herself; if he was a sky knight now, it was her position that he should strive to take. "I only stopped because they were talking about me."

"Everyone's been talking about you."

He frowns. "Since when?"

"Oh?" She raises a brow, that sly grin never leaving her face. "Have you not heard the whispers?"

He had just moments ago.

"They're saying you're making your way up the food chain in this army," she tells him, taking on a mimicking voice as she explains. "'That Tsubaki child is talented; I've never seen such a young man as that.' 'Lady Sakura's retainer is so skilled, you hardly ever see men as sky knights.' 'My, that retainer is just too handsome-'"

He furrows his brow, trying to figure out why all of this is just coming up now. He's only been serving the royal family for two years; surely he could not have passed everyone's already high expectations so fast. 

"Flattery doesn't suit you, Reina."

She chuckles, the scar across her face lifting at the edges as it crinkles with amusement. "And modesty doesn't suit you, young man. I know your ego's bigger than that, I've seen the way you flaunt that smile of yours."

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. How dare she accuse him of flaunting anything?

She laughs, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and leading him back down the hallway she had found him in. From here he can smell her, the scent of cinnamon and the wooden stables where the animals reside filling his nose.

"Tsubaki," she says quietly, looking at him with an insane intensity, her face too close to his in her inspection as her violet eyes search his. "You're going great places."

He stops walking to stare at her, breaking eye contact as the corners of hers crinkle with another smile. The comment is startling, it gives him a twinge of adrenaline and a rush of pride at such faithful words, but he's not sure if he actually likes them or if he's even willing to accept them.

All his life he's been striving for greatness, for the pride he wants to see shine brightly in his parents' eyes, the tight embraces he wants to receive from them as they tell him about how happy they are to see their only son excel in everything he does. He only wants to see a small smile, just the upward twitch of a lip from his stern father, and the wistful sigh of accomplishment from his darling mother. Just something small, anything really, that lets him know that he's doing something right.

Greatness, eminence, that's what he wants, but his parents expected _perfection_ , his namesake being the biggest pressure to achieve that goal.

After all, if he could not live up to a silly flower, what kind of person did that make him?

"There's talk of your exceptional skill as a sky knight," Reina says, interrupting his thoughts. "Someday soon I might have to take you under my wing and train you myself."

"I don't know if I'd like that," he teases, and he watches as her scarred face goes from a look of endearment to something like annoyance.

The older woman was known for her bloodlust on the battlefield; she became something of an untamed beast once she had a weapon in her hands and the battle had started. Though he hadn't seen it himself, he knew better than to question her about it lest he want to experience it himself.

"Besides," he continues, shoving her arm off of him. "Wouldn't that mean I would have to resign from being Lady Sakura's retainer?"

Reina hums in thought, raising an eyebrow as she tips her head side to side in an almost childish way.

"I suppose you would."

He's not really sure he wants to give that up.

He's grown to love his job; having such an intimate relationship with the royal family was something special that all the retainers could agree on. By taking his position as the youngest princess's retainer, he had sworn total fealty to her and his country, offering up his life in exchange for hers; all the retainers had taken this same oath, and all would willingly do it again. Giving up that to say, becoming a general or something, seemed like more of a step down rather than a step up.

"Either way," she continues, crossing her arms once again. "You'll be moving up before you know it. Then you can have all the girls you want without spying on them."

He opens his mouth to deny her claim of such scandalous behavior but she clamps a hand over it.

"Say another word and I'll have Orochi give you a bad fortune."

"She can't just give me a-"

"Ah!" She holds up a hand.

He gives her a fierce glare. She gives him a triumphant smile, and he's suddenly reminded of another little warrior he knows.

He sighs in defeat.

As the year goes on, more and more of these "perfect" rumors start to spread, but he finds himself enjoying the praise more than before. 

So much so that he doesn't really mind the attention that girls start to give him.

There is one particular girl that he's taken a liking too; a sweet and nice one from his sky knight class, a little on the quiet side, she was pretty enough for his now seemingly perfect standards.

On no particular day at all, he finds himself pressed up against her, her back against a tree and his mouth near her ear as he whispers sweet nothings close by. She giggles when he speaks and he knows that his breath gently runs across her skin with every word, causing her to blush incredibly. The reaction does something to him; he's never really liked girls like this.

When he takes the moment to move from her ear and really look at her, he finds himself disappointed almost, like there is something that she is missing but he can't name it. She really does seem fine right there, the feeling is fleeting, and when he sees her face become serious and she looks down at his lips, he takes that at his cue.

He closes his eyes as he places a gentle kiss against her lips, a small squeak coming from her own, and he's instantly intrigued by the sensation of this new contact. He pulls away just as quickly, and he's satisfied when he watches her bring a hand up to touch her lips.

She shyly looks up at him, but he can't help himself as he moves her hand out of the way and quickly replaces it with his lips once again. It's rougher than the last, and he can't believe he's never really been doing this with girls before. It's messy, inexperienced, and definitely not perfect, but the poor girl against him doesn't know any better either. He could get used to it though; with plenty of practice, he's sure he could be perfect at it.

That is, if certain little girls didn't interrupt him while he was practicing.

He's startled from his almost euphoric state as he feels something fly past his head and the sound of his name.

"Tsubaki," he hears a low growl, and he quickly pulls away, embarrassed, and takes several steps from the girl.

He looks to the side to see Hana, hands on hips and a frown on the face. He groans when he spots her, dragging a bare hand down his own.

"What do you want?" he asks, and her faces hardens even more at his annoyed tone.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" she answers, asking her own question. "I knew you were an idiot but I didn't think you were sleazy too."

He scoffs, an embarrassment he's never felt before burning like a fire. "Sleazy? I'm far from it; maybe you should just be a good girl and mind your own business."

She bats her eyes with a false innocence, though that vicious bite makes it into her voice. "How can I mind my own business when I know you're out here trying to seduce girls like some heathen?"

"I'm not trying to seduce anyone."

"Really? Cause it sure looks like it with the way you were practically eating her face."

He feels his face heat up even more. He can hear the girl shift uncomfortably by the rustling of her clothes.

"Get out of here, you little brat."

"That's no way to speak to a lady," she says with a smirk.

"You're no lady."

"That's right; I'm just a child, aren't I?"

"Hana-"

"But it was me who kicked your butt the first year you were here."

"That has nothing to do with this," he frowns, becoming increasingly more and more annoyed the longer she stands there. Why did she always have to say things like that?

"Maybe not," she shrugs. "But you're still out here being a sleaze bag."

"And you're still being a brat. Now go away and mind your own business," he repeats as he gives the forgotten girl an apologetic look.

"But how can I mind my own business when this poor girl doesn't know what she's getting herself into?"

The girl's eyes widen as she is brought into the conversation. Hana turns to address her.

"Sure Tsubaki is handsome," she begins, giving the man in question a quick glance. "But you'll always be in his shadow."

"Leave, Hana-"

"What do you mean?" the girl asks, curiosity written plainly.

Hana smiles, a convincingly empathetic smile. "Well, with how perfect he is, no one will even notice that you're there. All they will ever talk about is him. 'Oh, that Tsubaki is so talented', 'Oh, Tsubaki is so great'. Everyone will only care about him."

The girl tilts her head as she looks back at him, but he doesn't notice as he's too busy studying Hana, the upset look on _her_ face. There's a bitterness to her voice as she speaks, and he has to wonder if this has happened to her.

"No one will care about you; you'll forever live in his shadow. In fact, even _he_ will probably forget about you."

It's then that he steps forward and takes her by the ear, dragging her away from the tree as she protests with several ouches and threats.

When he is out of earshot of the other girl, he releases her, to which she slaps him across the face. Hard.

It stings.

"What was that for?" he almost shouts before remembering the other girl a short distance away. He holds a hand up to his red cheek.

"You idiot!" she says, rubbing her ear. "I can't believe you've been out here making out with girls."

He feels his face heat up once again. She sure was blunt and straight to the point.

"Why did you say that to her?"

"I was only speaking the truth."

He frowns and looks at her for a moment, taking in her appearance. That damn practice sword hangs at her side and that damn glare stays on her face as she grips the sides of her hakama with small and angry hands. Her brown eyes are narrowed and her button nose is crinkled; she may be shorter than him but she is still a fearsome sight. He takes a deep breath.

"What do you want, Hana?" and he's surprised to see her almost flinch at his angry tone.

"I came here to get you but I see that you were a little busy," she says, crossing her arms with a huff and turning her head away. "Boys are so dumb."

He _really_ wants to smack her, that small face of hers that drives him insane with every twitch of her eyebrows as they furrow together and every dip in her lips when she pulls a frown. Oh yes, he would _love_ to smack her and that indignant attitude of hers that always seems to hang around whenever he is near lately. They've never really been "close" friends or anything, they were good acquaintances at best and simply coworkers at worst, they most definitely weren't best friends, but he thought they had come a long way since when they had first met and he had decided then and there that he did not like her very much.

She's been so irritated whenever he's been around lately, it's starting to piss him off. It feels as if they're reverting back to being strangers, uncomfortable feelings of the unknown abound, and he finds himself hating it. It's getting to the point where he's starting to dislike her, every little thing she does annoying him in some unfair way, and he doesn't like the way it makes him feel.

"Speak, Hana, before I walk away."

She rolls her eyes. "Lady Sakura requested our presence immediately, but if you wanna finish up here then go ahead."

He really, _really_ wants to smack her.

"I'll leave at once," he says through gritted teeth. She raises a brow at his unfamiliar tone.

" _Great_ ," she says with a sarcastic and false smile, and that attitude makes him want to strangle her. Were all teenage girls like this?

She turns on her heel to promptly walk away but he grabs the neck of her shirt before she can get too far. She makes a strangled sound before she looks back over her shoulder with a burning glare.

"You won't tell Lady Sakura about this," he means to ask but his annoyance makes it come out as a demand. She narrows her eyes even further at him.

She rips herself from his grip and walks away; he watches her stomp off, the practice sword bouncing against her leg, her hair swaying against her back. He frowns.

He walks back over to the girl still there against the tree. She gives him a sympathetic look.

"My little sister can be like that too," she tells him, and he almost laughs.

_Little sister?_

"She's not my little sister," he declaims quickly, and she was far from it; there's no way his parents would let her get away with that attitude. "She's Lady Sakura's other retainer."

The girl's expression changes again though this time he can't seem to read it. "Oh? I heard she had a young one but I didn't know she was so...small."

He chuckles, the absence of said retainer already putting him in a better mood. "She is, but she's mighty fierce with a sword."

The girl raises a brow. "How long have you two been working together?"

"Two years, maybe three?"

She nods, seemingly lost in her own thoughts on the subject. Girls confused him quite a bit, but especially when they would ask a question then not explain why they needed the answer. He sighs as she looks out across to the training fields.

He moves to pick up his lance that's propped up against a tree, but he sees something else near the base of it. He reaches for it.

It's a wooden sword that he's grown familiar with; it must've been what Hana had thrown at him. He shakes his head thinking about just how much _that_ would've hurt.

When he stands back up, he quickly sticks his lance on his back while apologizing to the girl. She gives him a quizzical stare.

"It seems that Lady Sakura has requested my presence so I'm afraid I must leave," he explains, and she just nods.

He stands there looking at her, waiting for her to say something, do something. There's nothing.

He's not sure why but it makes him feel uneasy. Most girls ask him to stay.

When she still doesn't say anything after an awkward minute of him standing there, he turns and heads back to the castle, leaving her behind without even a goodbye.

As he trudges through the training fields, he remembers the practice sword in his hand. He stares at the lacquered wood, the dark color and the grainy texture that hides beneath its surface. He thinks of Hana and how attached she seems to be to these things.

The thought fills him with anger.

So much anger that he stops halfway to the castle to grip it tightly in his hand. He waits a moment and then, he throws it as far as he can.

It disappears somewhere in the grass and he doesn't bother to go after it; if she wants it back she'll have to get it herself. He can see it now; her back hunched over and sweat dripping off her chin as she searches the grass all while quiet swears come falling out her mouth. What a delightful sight that'll be.

But he feels bad for taking joy in such a devilish thought; she wasn't really _that_ bad was she?

Maybe that's all she was- the annoying little sister. But at the end of the day, siblings still ended up liking each other, didn't they?

It all doesn't matter to him as he remembers the warning that little sister had given the girl against the tree. Surely he couldn't be that overshadowing, he was barely able to keep up with himself. But the look of concern on that girl's face, the way she had just awkwardly watched him leave, maybe it was a warning in itself.

He decides to do her a favor then, taking it upon himself to never let her be stuck in his shadow.

He reaches the castle and he doesn't bother to look back and see if she is gone. What does it matter if she is?

 _Little sister, huh?_ He thinks, but it still doesn't seem right when he thinks of using it with Hana.

He laughs to himself.

_As if._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I promise the chapters after these first three will be much better; I've had these three already written for a month so I decided to finally post them, but the next ones WILL BE MUCH BETTER I SWEAR!!! Thank you for reading <3


	4. pretty in pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is nineteen and she is sixteen when he starts to see things differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO IM NOT DEAD. I cannot believe I'm finally updating this story I'm so excited, but I know it's not as long or as good as it could be so I'm uploading two chapters rn instead of just one. The first section of this chapter was written back in july but the second half and the next chapter were both written last night/today. I'm exhausted.

He is nineteen and she is sixteen when he starts to see things differently.

The week after Lady Sakura turns thirteen is the week that Queen Mikoto invites the young princess's retainers to her first tea ceremony.

It's more of a practice than anything, she was far from entertaining dignitaries and nobles alike, but she was excited nonetheless to prove her skills to her closest companions.

Tea ceremonies in Hoshido were definitely traditional and formal events so naturally, attendees and hostesses were required to wear something befitting of the event. Kimonos and hakama and hair ornaments and tabi; all of it was needed for something as mundane as a tea ceremony.

He didn't mind dressing up, he actually kind of enjoyed it, but Hana on the other hand wasn't really one for all of the fancy stuff.

He could remember walking through the retainers' hall earlier in the day, sounds of protest and words of disdain coming from one of the paper thin walls. Two people, both loud and stubborn, in the middle of a simple act; he knew who they were.

"Don't pull it too tight!" one voice yells, this one Hana's.

"You want it to stay on, right?" the other asks in an annoyed tone; this belonging to one of Lord Takumi's retainers.

He had smiled to himself; _how very Hana_. She never was one to listen.

Though now he was standing in the hall outside the room the ceremony would be taking place in, all dressed and ready to go in his own haori and hakama, patiently waiting for the other retainer.

Reina and Orochi, Queen Mikoto's own retainers, had also been invited to Lady Sakura's first tea ceremony. They stood quietly outside with him, both dressed in their finest, kimonos and all, but something about those two had always seemed somewhat off to him.

Reina and her bloodlust; Orochi and her cards. He had always thought Orochi was... _weird_.

A supposed diviner, a human being in touch with a spiritual world that mere mortals like them _shouldn't_ be in touch with; she was someone who claimed she could read the future in things, in patterns. Horoscopes this and tarot cards that, none of it really made sense to him but he didn't have to understand it to know it all creeped him out.

The girl's overly playful attitude also made him uneasy, though not as much as her divination.

"My, my," Reina speaks up in lieu of their uncomfortable silence. "Where's that partner of yours?"

He shrugs, looking down the hallway to see if there's any sign of her arrival. He's greeted with the faint sound of servants somewhere else in the palace.

"She doesn't normally like these sort of things," he says, squinting at a suspicious shadow at the far end of the hall. "She loathes formalities."

"I don't suppose most people do," Orochi says from beside her partner, flicking a long strand of hair over her shoulder. "They're much too stiff for my taste."

Reina nods in agreement, crossing her arms over her chest. "Yes, I'd rather be in full armor on a hot day than in this," she says, gesturing at the kimono. "It's all a little frivolous."

"Oh, but you look so pretty Reina," Orochi complains with false disappointment, touching the soft fabric of the older woman's kimono. "It'd be a shame to waste such a pretty girl like you."

Reina narrows her eyes. "Orochi-"

She snickers.

He sighs, looking at both of the women in front of him. Indeed they did look nice in their traditional dress, though he knew of how long it took to actually get them into the thing. Men had it easier; put on the outer kimono, put on the hakama and haori, and essentially he was done.

"That little brat better show up," he says, glancing back down the hall. "I don't know what I'll do if she's left me stranded here with-"

He closes his mouth when he sees Reina raise a brow, but Orochi just laughs it off. She gives him a sly smile and places a firm hand on his shoulder. For someone who only used scrolls and cards, she was fairly strong.

"She'll be here soon enough," she says with a wink, and he can't shake this feeling of _uneasiness_ he gets every time he's near this diviner.

Before he can even open his mouth to ask her to remove her hand, he is met with the familiar sound of bickering coming from down the hall once again.

He turns his head and there she is, complaining to her companion who follows behind diligently trying to fix her obi. They bicker and they argue and it's quite amusing to see her so flustered at something as simple as a dress, though he can't imagine the trouble they're causing with how loud they're being.

She's stomping down the hallway, all dressed up in a pale and pink kimono, patterns of her favorite flower dancing across the fabric. Her usually long and tangled hair is brushed back, pulled up and out of her face, and he can't believe how different she looks from her normal self. Was this girl even Hana?

"It's fine, don't touch it!"

"You'll look like an idiot walking around like that, just let me fix it!"

"Stop it!"

Oh yes, that was still most definitely her.

He sees her try to quicken her pace, and then he catches her eye and she gives him a pleading look, begging him for help. He just raises a brow as the other girl stops behind her.

"Tsubaki!" she nearly shouts in relief, practically tripping over herself as she reaches them. He has to grab her arm to keep her steady, and his hand glides against the length of her upper arm, the sleeve's fabric smooth beneath his palm.

She frowns up at him.

"Ah, about time Miss Hana," Reina speaks up, and the girl quickly stands straight and clasps her hands in front of her. She nods to Lord Takumi's retainer. "Miss Oboro."

She gives the older woman a curt bow, but Hana just turns her head to frown at her too.

"You can leave now," she says with narrowed eyes, and Oboro gives her own deadly stare.

"You're welcome," the older girl says through gritted teeth, and he is a little worried that Hana will pull out a brawl right here. Instead, she turns back around, turning her nose upwards, and smiles at Reina.

Oboro lets out a huff as she turns on her heel to leave.

"You weren't all waiting on me, were you?" Hana asks suddenly, and he has to guess its for fear of upsetting someone important.

Reina clicks her tongue and places her hands on her hips. "Yes and no. We haven't officially started so you're still safe."

He sees her visibly relax a little, her mouth tips upward into a small smile.

"Why, Miss Hana," Orochi purrs, taking a step in front of her. She grabs the sides of her face, turning it side to side in inspection with little more protest than a sneer from the girl. "You look so darling."

She glares at the older woman; he can see her clenching and unclenching her fists, resisting the urge to automatically push her away, to defend her pride like she normally did.

She murmurs something under her breath. Orochi questions.

"I said thank you," she says, and Orochi gives that sly smile again, releasing the girls face.

She sticks her tongue out when the older woman turns her back.

He catches himself with a small smile and a smirk from Reina. He scoffs.

He looks down at her, at her kimono and her hair all neatly tied up and away from her face and shoulders. He looks at her bare neck, at the tiny baby hairs at the nape of it, too short and stubborn to be pulled up with the rest.

Her profile is familiar; the small upturned nose, the long lashes that have always swept gently across faintly colored cheeks, and those pale pink lips. When he looks just at her profile, she is the same Hana he has always known, but when he sees the rest, she resembles a beautiful young lady.

 _Beautiful_ ; the word rolls around in his head. _Hana_ and _beautiful_ were two words that never went together, he could never even dream of uttering them.

But the word sticks there and comes back every time he shifts his gaze back to look at her, at the kimono, at the hair on her neck.

 _You look very pretty_ , he wants to say, but when he opens his mouth it comes out as, "What wonders makeup and a hairbrush can do." He gives the baby hairs at the nape of her neck a playful tug.

He immediately regrets it; whenever he is around her, the teasing and retorts won't stop flowing like water from a broken tap.

He sees her eyes narrow, her cheeks burn bright red as she raises a fist to punch his arm, but she is stopped when the door to the tea room slides open and Lady Mikoto's shining face peers through the doorway.

He is utterly amused at how quickly Hana clasps her hands in front of her once again and hastily bows with the rest of them. Only she could change attitudes so quickly.

They start stepping into the room one by one; first Reina, then Orochi, and finally Hana. He bites the inside of his cheek wondering if he should voice his apology.

"Pretty," he whispers, in a lame attempt to apologize as she walks past him. She doesn't seem to hear.

Yet he can't help but notice the small smile that seems to grace her face for the remainder of the day.

 

* * *

 

He knows there's trouble before he even sees it.

With her, it's more of an extra sense; she always gets in trouble one way or another.

This time he's looking for her, she was supposed to meet him and their liege earlier in the day, but had failed to show up. He only finds her when he hears shouting from one of the servants halls.

He turns the corner to see Lord Takumi and her, the latter yelling at a poor guardsman. That old lacquered wooden sword in her hand.

"How _dare_ you say that to me?" she yells, and the second prince stands warily behind her, unsure of what to do.

"Listen, I didn't mean anything by it," the guard tries to explain. His voice is flat though, as if he doesn't care.

"Didn't _mean_ anything?" she seethes. Her grip around the sword tightens.

"Hana," Takumi tries to calm her, placing a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugs it off violently.

She spits at the guard.

He scoffs.

"If your dad was this temperamental, I can understand why he died."

He feels his own mouth drop, his feet taking him further down the hall towards her as he knows she'll do something.

She always had a way of escalating things further than they needed to go.

Everything moves in slow motion as he watches her face twist with pain, only for a second, and her knuckles turn white against the practice blade. He watches in horror, his feet not moving fast enough as she lets out a strangled noise, raising the blade and swinging it.

"Hana!"

_Crack!_

There's a cry of pain. A thump on the old floors. Blood forming at the side of the guard's head.

Before she can do anything else, Takumi grabs her from behind, her form struggling against him. Her practice sword falls to the floor in two pieces.

"Hana!" Takumi yells at her, shaking her until she looks at him. She refuses, struggling to break free.

He passes by them, noticing the way angry tears threaten to fall from her eyes, angry sniffles coming from her nose.

He kneels next to the guard, pulling him up to sit, holding a hand to his aching head. He's crying.

He hears her pushed against a wall,  Takumi's voice telling her to get a grip. He doesn't want to look.

"That bitch is crazy," the guard gasps, struggling to maintain himself.

He hears her struggle against the prince, he hears him tell her name again.

"You asshole!" she yells, and he can only imagine the horrific look on her face.

"What did you say to her?" he questions. He's never seen her act that way.

The guard averts his eyes.

"Hey," he says, lightly patting the guard's face. "What did you say?"

"Nothing that would've warranted that," he replies quietly.

He knows that's not true, but decides not to push it. He stands, grabbing the guard's arm.

"Let's go," he says, carefully pulling him along down the opposite end of the hall. The other two had gone quiet.

He turns his head to see Takumi talking to her quietly, arms crossed and stern look much like his brother's. But she's looking elsewhere, she's looking at him with a rueful glare, words seemingly forming in her tongue only to fall flat once past her lips. Her eyes tell him something she can't.

_How could you walk away?_


	5. you're different when you're drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is twenty and she is seventeen the first time she sees him drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I really need to get back into writing. I feel like this break was too long. Thank you for reading though. And for waiting.

He is twenty and she is seventeen the first time she sees him drunk.

It turns out that his alcohol tolerance is not as perfect as he is.

On the coming of age day that year, he asks her to attend. She doesn't know why.

"Hana," he starts one day while they are in the storage room, stuck to the task of cleaning weapons after a certain incident had gotten them both in trouble.

"Hmm?" She doesn't look up from her task.

"Are you coming to the party?"

She feels herself frown but pretends to play ignorance.

"What party?"

She hears him chuckle and the sound causes her frown to flick up, though only for a moment.

"You know which party, Hana."

"I'm not the one turning twenty."

He chuckles again and she stops cleaning, keeping her eyes on the weapon across her lap, admiring the sharp edge and the glistening metal.

"You don't have to be turning twenty to attend," he explains, and she knows this, she's just apprehensive towards going. "Lady Sakura is going."

She scoffs. He knows she usually doesn't decline an offer if her best friend is involved, but she holds her ground, moving the weapon from her lap to grab another to clean.

"So is the rest of the royal family. Lady Hinoka is also turning twenty."

"Yes," he says softly. "But my family won't be here to see it."

Her hand stops above the weapon. Her breath momentarily stops. Her eyes are glued to the floor beside his seat.

She hears him shift uncomfortably and take a tiny breath- though it could've been her own.

"Will you please come?" he asks, and she doesn't like this feeling she gets in the pit of her stomach when he asks her for something like this. Did he _really_ need her to go?

When she doesn't reply after a minute of silence and he waves his hand in front of her face does he ask again.

"Kazahana."

Her eyes snap up and she feels a jolt through her spine. She opens her mouth to berate him for using that name, but stops when she sees the unnatural look of desperation on his face.

"You have plenty of friends that will be there," she says, trying to shrug off this unfamiliar feeling.

He cracks a small smile. "Yes, but none of them are you."

She turns her face back down as she feels her face heat up. He could be so irritating.

"Come on, Hana. I'll make sure you have fun."

"I'm not the one that's supposed to be having fun."

"Well I'm sure I'll have fun, too. But only if you come."

"Why do you need _me_ to come?"

"You can hang out with Lady Sakura if you don't like it."

"I already don't like it."

"We haven't even gone yet-"

"And maybe _we_ never will."

He lets out a strong huff and she watches with delight as he pinches the bridge of his nose. She enjoyed teasing him.

He sits there quietly, thinking for a moment, and she starts to wonder of maybe he had surrendered, right as she was about to say yes.

"I'll give you my dumplings for the rest of the month."

"The month?" she questions, quirking up an eyebrow.

"Yes, or however long you'd like."

She raises both eyebrows then, that weird pit feeling making its way back in. He must really want her to attend.

"Why do you want me to go so bad?" she asks, and he averts his eyes down to his hands, his thumb running over the palm.

"I'll tell you later, okay? Just please come, I'm practically begging you here, Hana."

It's unlike him and she's not sure if she really likes seeing him squirm this much. Sure she's dreamt of a moment like this, where she is fully in control, but she never imagined that it would feel so wrong.

She sighs, a heavy one, and his shoulders slump.

"I guess I'll come," she agrees, moving to pick up the next weapon, only to pause before her hand touches it. "But I'm not wearing anything fancy."

His face visibly relaxes, a small laugh even escapes his mouth as he says, "Of course not, just wear something you usually wear."

So she agrees.

And when the night comes and the party is halfway through and she's seen him down quite a few drinks is when she realizes that he does not handle his alcohol as well as he had probably thought.

True to his word, Lady Sakura had also attended, though they stayed in the corner for most of the night, along with the second prince, as they were not old enough to drink yet. And after seeing the way he was that night, she's not sure she ever wanted to.

She had laughed at first, when he first started acting weird and unlike himself, his words starting to slur and his actions becoming sloppy, laughing louder than usual, a light pink dusting his cheeks. It was so unusual that she and Sakura had to laugh, but when she saw him down a few more and start stumbling, talking in a very different way and saying things he shouldn't, she excused herself from the two royal children, and made her way to where he was.

She tugs on the back of his hakama and he quickly turns around.

"Hana!" he exclaims, and she looks around almost embarrassed.

"Tsubaki, I think it's time you went back to your room," she suggests, reaching out for his wrist.

He smiles at her warmly.

"There's no need to leave yet, let's stay a little longer." He turns back around.

She grabs his upper arm and he is easily moved back to where he was.

"Tsubaki," she says lowly. "Let's go now."

His expression seems to sober, only for a second before he smiles once again, nodding his head to follow her before he can embarrass himself any further.

She leads him out and down the first hall, he stumbling behind her at a steady pace.

"Hana," he says a little too loudly, trying again after she shushes him. "Hana."

"What?" She whispers, keeping an eye out for guards and servants that might get the wrong idea.

When he doesn't say anything and she turns back to look at him, he's stopped in the middle of the hallway, staring wistfully out the window, the full moon's light drowning his flushed face in a pale white. He has that dopey smile on his face, his eyes half closed as she approaches him cautiously.

"What are you looking at?"

"The moon," he replies simply, then flicking his gaze downwards. "The city."

"The city," she repeats, moving next to him to also look down. Below the castle is the merry sight of festival lights and young people out and about, celebrating their coming of age day just as he had. Except these were the common people, normal people that did not get invited to the palace's party nor did they really want to be.

"Maybe we shoulda went out with them," he says with a small laugh. She looks up at him and he's so unfamiliar.

She reaches for his arm again, pulling him with her and this time locking her arm with his. It could end up with both of them in trouble if she were to just let him wander the halls like this. She was doing him a favor.

"You're always so angry, Hana," he says suddenly, using his other hand to pat the arm looped through his.

She scoffs; even when he was drunk he was still so patronizing.

"Well I think I have a pretty good reason to be angry when someone like you hangs around all the time."

"Hey," he says, raising his free hand as if to surrender. "It's not like we really have a choice."

"No, we really don't, do we?" she sighs, pulling him down another hall.

"You always frown at me, Hana, why do you do that?"

She nearly trips over the floor, his arm keeping _her_ steady.

"Me?" she asks, feigning ignorance once again.

"Yes, you," he says, stopping her from walking forward. "I don't think I've ever seen you smile."

"Okay, that's not true," she replies haughtily, looking up at him. His face isn't his, that's not the man she knows; this is someone else. "You've seen me smile before."

"Maybe, but it's such a rare sight," he sighs, giving her a big pout. "And it's never at me."

"Well, you don't give me much of a reason to smile at you. You can be so irritating sometimes-"

"And you can't?"

"Are you really trying to pick a fight with me while you're drunk?"

"I'm not fighting, I'm just asking."

She lets out a huff and a roll of her eyes. How infuriating.

She pulls to walk towards his room, just a few feet away, but he stands firm. She looks back up at him, their eyes meet but there's a look she's never seen before, a contemplation, almost as if he's considering her.

She's taken by surprise when places a warm hand on her cheek. Her body stiffens as her breath hitches.

"You're so pretty when you smile," he says sadly, like an old man that's lost something once loved. She feels her eyes go wide; she can't speak. "You know a lot of people are scared of you, but some laugh."

"Laugh?" she asks in a meek voice.

"Yeah, they laugh at you. They don't think you're really a samurai."

Normally, she would be livid at news like this, but considering her current position, she can't help but think of nothing other than the warmth on her cheek, or the way her arm slightly trembles in his.

He sighs. "They just don't know you like I do, I guess. Maybe you should teach them a lesson like you did to me."

He lets out a laugh at himself, closing his eyes tight and scrunching up his nose as he shows off those perfect teeth. She doesn't even bother to shush him this time, completely bewildered.

He calms quickly afterwards, giving her that half grin as he moves his thumb across her cheek, causing her to shiver slightly. This wasn't-

He quickly pinches the fat of her cheek, causing her to grimace and heat up all the same. She yanks her arm from his and pushes him away as he laughs again. She rubs her face, the heat from his hand already fading.

"You're an idiot even when your drunk," she spits, and she is a flustered mess at all of these unfamiliar feelings she has tonight. She wasn't the one drinking, but she sure felt drunk off something.

He turns and closes the distance between his room and him, and she follows him closely behind even though she knows she shouldn't.

"Don't expect anything from me," she hears him say with that arrogant tone he hasn't used since he first arrived. "You have nothing for me."

She nearly lets out a strangled noise as she follows him into the room, she can feel the shock showing on her face, and all the unnatural feelings from earlier are fleeting, followed by a new one she knows as something similar to dread- or maybe it was disappointment.

"What do you mean?" she asks, watching as he moves to sit on the bench at the end of his bed.

He waves her off and his demeanor is already different than before. His movements are more sluggish, he seems more tired, but all the same he gives off a more demanding aura- this was his territory now, the only place in the castle that was truly his.

It's the first time she's ever been in his room, or any boy's room, with no one but them. She shuffles a little further into the room, unease settling into her stomach.

It's nothing extravagant or luxurious, she didn't expect much for a royal retainer, but it was quite plain actually. Everything he needed, kept clean and neat, with only a few personal trinkets thrown about. If she hadn't known that he lived there, she might've thought it was just another empty room.

The only unorganized thing about it is the bed. The sheets are half on and half off, a pair of hakama rolled up into a small ball near the pillow. The wooden columns of it with tiny nicks and scrapes, and it reminds of something she had heard those nosy servants talking about once. She swallows thickly.

She looks at him, startled to see him looking back at her.

"You don't seem as confident as usual, Hana."

She feels a sickness, a giddiness she shouldn't be feeling. He laughs at her.

"Come here," he says, motioning her with his hand. She takes unsteady steps towards him.

 He looks up at her carefully as she stands in front of him, she's unusually quiet and timid, and he smiles.

"Thank you," he says simply, and she can't help but scrunch her eyebrows together.

"What for?"

"For coming tonight," he pauses. "And for being my friend."

Friend.

The word is unexpected.

"You promised me your dumplings," she tells him, and he laughs once again.

"Did I? I can't remember."

He reaches out and grabs one of her hands, and that feeling from earlier returns. He turns it over and over in his, inspecting it thoroughly. 

She gently pulls it from his grasp and he looks up disappointed. She decides that she should take her leave.

She turns to leave but is stopped by his hand around her arm and a tug, causing to fall back towards him, bracing arms on either side, now face to face. His expression turns sober.

"I'm serious, Hana," he says, looking her in the eyes. "I think you might even be my best friend."

She feels herself relax. "Sorry, kid. I already have that position filled."

She pats his cheek.

"We’re friends though right?" he asks suddenly, and she feels her expression soften.

"Of course," she replies. "Who else would I drive up the wall?"

She sticks her tongue out as he moves his palm to her forehead, playfully pushing her away.

"Good night, Hana."

"Good night, Tsubaki," she says, stopping at his door. She takes a moment then looks back at him. "Hope it doesn't hurt too bad in the morning."

But he's already crawling into bed.

As soon as she makes her way out of the room, quietly sliding the door shut behind her. She breathes normally once again but she feels a blush paint her face.

She wonders if he'll remember any of this.

But the next day, when they meet for breakfast with Lady Sakura, and the only thing he mentions is how much his head hurts, she doesn't wonder much of anything anymore.

 

* * *

 

"It rains on this day every year. Isn't that weird?"

Water drips from the roof's edges in steady and rhythmic drops, creating puddles where the courtyards pebbles and the hallways stone meets. Rain pours down in timed sheets, drenching everything not covered.

They sit together beneath the safety of the roof and watch, mainly in silence, but occasionally she speaks. Usually about nothing, maybe about something, but this time it is different.

"Every year since I was young, it has rained on this day," she says from her seat atop a crate of weapons. She stares out at the rain with no emotion to be seen on her face.

"Why do you think that is?" he asks, but he is apprehensive towards the answer.

She sucks in a quick breath of the chilling air and closes her eyes. Her mouth twitches down for just a moment only to return to its straight line once again.

"It's the day my father died."

His eyes wander over to her but her expression doesn't change. He takes a shaky breath, but doesn't say anything.

"At the time, everyone kept talking about how weird it was that it was raining this time of year. Hoshido doesn't normally see rain that often but it has to rain here sometimes."

He lets his gaze turn back to the rain, at the steady fall. If it rained every year on the day her father died, it seemed to be fitting.

"Someone from the palace had come by our house in the middle of the day. He was soaked to the bone with a damp paper in his hand. I had seen him a few times around the palace when my father took me to visit."

He places his hands across his stomach, deciding to let her speak freely, with no distractions and no teasing. This was the most he had ever heard her open up before about something so personal. They were usually bickering.

"He gave the paper to my mother and after she read it she told me to go to my room until he left."

The rain. The puddles. The sheets. He listens intently.

"When I came out awhile later, she was still standing in the open door, watching the rain. I thought it was normal, I thought she just liked to watch it like I do, but when I went up to her, I noticed her face was wet."

Rain, puddles, sheets. Now papers and faces.

"'Mom?' I said," he turns to her when he hears the word but her eyes are closed again. "'Mother?' But she didn't seem to hear me. I tugged on her dress but she didn't seem to notice."

Another shaky breath. He wonders if he should stop her.

"She didn't tell me until a week later. She was so upset, so...so _sad_ ," she says carefully. "She wasn't like herself for a long time. Even after a while, she was still completely different than how she was before."

He feels a chill down his spine, he had never had to experience that.

"I loved my father too, though. He meant so much to me too, you know."

"I'm sorry, Hana," he says quietly, growing uncomfortable with her sudden story. He wasn't used to this side of the hotheaded girl.

She shakes her head, brown tresses moving sadly against her shoulders. "Why are you apologizing? You didn't do it."

It's silent for a moment as they resume their rain watching. He makes note of the date, burns it into his memory.

"It's crazy how much a person can change when they lose someone they love," she practically whispers, and he turns to look at her one last time.

Her eyes are open once again, but this time, her face is wet.

Her brown eyes, watery. Her pale cheeks, with tear tracks. Her pink lips, parted and shaking with each breath she takes.

She catches his worried gaze and quickly hops off her crate, hands wiping at her face as she marches straight out into the storm. She stands dumbly in the rain as she lets it pour, as she lets it drown.

The sky and Hana are too much alike, he realizes. It pounds and it rages and it cries, and she stands there with _so many_ cares in the world, it's as if it's all on her shoulders. She stands alone and her clothes start sticking to her skin and her hair sticks to her face in scraggly strands. Droplets catch on her eyelashes while others drop off the tip of her nose, her lips, her fingers. She stands there alone, tears mixing with the rain, and all he does is sit and watch.

And he watches and he waits, until she squats down and covers her face. Until she takes in one last shaking breath and the first sob racks her body, the first pang in his heart crying out to her. It is only then that he stands and steps out into the rain too, throwing his old cloak around her and pulling her up and back under to safety. She's unpredictable though, that he had learned early on, and he is surprised when she turns to him and shoves her face in his chest, clutching at his shirt.

It's weird and it's awkward, but he doesn't move as he knows she needs him, needs a friend. He wraps one arm around her cautiously, only bringing up the other when she grips him a little tighter.

So they stand there, half in the rain, half out, and he listens as she cries and curses at the world, at the sky, at her father. He can't understand any of it but he think he hears one thing clearly, the words breaking his heart.

"He left us. He left _me_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT this month, I hope to update a lot more, finish these few stories I have on my plate (or at least update more often) and get back that writing style I had/ improve on it. Writing this after so long just felt so awkward. Also I would like to know if you guys THink I should open a tumblr just for my writing and fandom stuff so I can stay up to date and keep in touch and chat with all of you. I'm just not sure if I should use my lunariaans URL or if I should use my hanbaki one. Next story up will either be my matoi/shiro fic or The Hand That Feeds You so please look forward to those. Please let me know your thoughts on this and thanks again for staying and waiting. I hope to see you guys soon!!


	6. and a choice is made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is twenty-one and she is eighteen when he realizes that that she is a little sister no longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally at the end of this! I think I started this fic around a year ago and I'm sorry it took me so long to finish. Past year has been pretty hectic. But I've missed these two so much and oh my god it is always so fun to write for them and explore their characters. Thank you for everyone who has been waiting patiently or has stuck around for this.

He is twenty-one and she is eighteen when he realizes that that she is a little sister no longer.

Hot and sunny days and dark and starry nights paint their summer that year, and each is better than the previous. In the mornings, they attend Lady Sakura's shortened lessons, in the afternoons, they spar, and in the evenings they sit out in one of the many open courtyards or zen gardens in the palace with ice treats from the kitchen in their hands and lazy smiles on their faces while they watch the sun sink lower and lower below the palace walls.

And sometimes, when the moon was fully out and the darkness had hidden all traces of the waning daylight, they would go out alone, after they have been relieved from their duties to their liege. Sometimes they spar and others they fight, but it usually ends with both lying in the tall summer grass, their arms extended and their fingers pointed at one star out of millions.

He enjoys these nights, wishes for more of them to come, for he has a bright smile whenever these nights come around and it lasts even as he drifts off to sleep, the faintest traces of it still there in the morning when the sun's rays start to peek through his window. He finds these nights special and endearing, allowing him to see a different side to the younger girl after all of the mean words from the past had started to subside.

On one particular evening they had been relieved early at the request of Lady Hinoka, who had decided to take Sakura out to the night market with her and her two retainers. Hana had protested a little, but with a bit of convincing, the two were off and out in the field, looking up at the starry night.

Backs against the grass, eyes looking upwards, for what must be the one hundredth time that summer, he extends his arm and shows her one star in particular.

"The Northern Star," she says before he gets the chance to. "You tell me this every night."

"Just thought I'd let you know," he says with a sigh, dropping his hand back down to his chest.

"Well, I know."

"I can see the student knows more than the master."

"You're dumb."

"Am I?"

"Of course. Why else would I say it?"

"I don't know. Perhaps you’re just taking all these pent up feelings of rage I know you so often get, and just taking it all out on me."

"You just act a little too know it all every once in a while. I gotta keep you in check."

"Keep _me_ in check?"

"Yeah. I know how _over the top_ you can get sometimes."

He scoffs. When fights were not physical, they were often verbal.

He doesn't mind though. He would have it no other way.

"You know, Hana...you're a lot different than from when I first met you."

He's still staring up at the sky but he hears her head turn to look at him, her hair shifting against the grass.

"How so?"

"Well, for one, you're much more tolerable than before."

She punches his arm, the fact that they are lying down does not soften the blow.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What do you _think_ it means?"

She huffs. "Well you're a lot different too."

" _How so?_ "

"You're not as ugly."

He laughs at this, indulging her in her lie. "If you say it, it must be true."

She is silent for a moment as the crickets chirp in the woods a ways away. He finds it hard not to peel his eyes away from the dark sky to look over at her. He finds it hard not to speak.

"Have you've gotten any more training done with Reina?" she asks suddenly.

He sighs, stretching his arms out above him. "No, not really. She's been awful busy, running errands for the queen or something."

"Sounds like an excuse not to be with you," she teases, and now he does look at her, the world turning sideways.

"Well, Hana, there's been rumors of war."

He watches as her profile goes through several emotions and she suddenly turns her head back to look at him, worry settling in on her face.

"Surely you've heard servants talking about this."

She frowns. "Servants talk about almost every little thing that catches their attention. It doesn't mean any of it's true."

"Yeah, well Reina believes it too."

At this she sits up straight, leaving him behind in the grass. The moon illuminates her face, turning her back to a home of shadows, her light brown hair now dark.

"What kind of war? With who?" she asks, looking away from him and straight ahead, towards the palace.

"Don't act dumb, Hana. You already know the answer."

He sees her take a deep breath, and he sits up too, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees, watching her.

She doesn't speak and he scoots closer, leaning in until his mouth is right behind her ear. He holds his breath.

"Are you scared, Hana?"

She starts as she whirls her torso around to push him away, his back hitting the grass once again. He laughs at her angry face and puffed out chest, and he laughs at the way she clenches her fists.

"Of course I'm not scared!" she shouts, and he laughs a little harder, only calming down after she says, "You're an idiot."

"Am I?" he asks, sitting up once again. She gives him a sideways glare.

"We're trained for war," she reminds him. "This is literally what we are meant to do."

"You just seemed a little upset."

"People _die_ in wars, Tsubaki."

His body stiffens as she turns fully towards him, placing her hands on the ground and leaning forward.

"I'm not scared of anything except not being able to do my job," she says, dropping the sound of her voice. "We are trained and meant to protect our liege at any cost, so that's what I'll do."

She looks him directly in the eyes and he finds that he is unable to speak and unable to tear his gaze away from hers. There's something there that wasn't before, something almost... _enticing?_ Or was the word exciting? He's not sure but she _had_ certainly changed since they had first met.

She sighs and then leans away from him, resting back on her legs. She blows a stray piece of hair from her face and he finds himself smiling at the small action. He leans back on his hands, feeling confused as he quickly wipes it away.

"I can trust that you'll do the same?"

He raises a brow as he catches her gaze, those familiar brown eyes locking on to his.

"Of course, Hana. Do you take me for a fool?"

"Well—"

"Never mind that," he interrupts. "So long as you will, so will I."

"Good then," she says, giving him a firm nod. She looks away finally and he feels his mouth dip towards a frown.

"We've been having problems with Nohr for far too long now. I don't think anyone is really surprised that war is being hung over our heads. If anything, I'm surprised it hasn't started sooner."

She gives him a confused look. "You want this war to start sooner?"

"Well, no," he replies. "I would rather we not have a war at all."

"Who wouldn't?"

He hums in response letting a comfortable silence fall between them, the crickets singing for them once more.

He glances up at the moon and the stars surrounding it, and then he glances at her.

She still has rounded cheeks and pouty lips and everything about her lies about how old she really is. She had started to outgrow her indignant attitude that he despised so dearly, but her stubbornness and hotheaded ideology still remained—and he was glad.

"Hana," he says suddenly, and he finds it odd that his mouth is speaking for him when his mind has not granted permission. "What do you want in life?"

He watches her eyebrows scrunch together, confusion taking a home on her face. Her thoughts must fight with one another in her mind before she finally settles her eyes on the glowing moon.

"What I want? Like a goal?"

"Or a dream. Just something that your heart desires."

She casts her eyes to the side, wrapping her arms tightly around her legs. She then bites her lower lip and that raises a suspicion within him.

"Well...I'm not really sure," she says, her voice wavering with an uncertainty he never thought she could even possess.

He frowns, clicking his tongue in disapproval. "Come on, I know that's not true. For as determined as you are, there has to be something you want in life."

She frowns at him, that familiar face a welcoming sight. The moonlight paints her in a silver and white glow, and she almost looks like a ghost.

"There's nothing really I want in life except to serve Sakura until the day I die."

He looks her over, considering her and the answer, and while her words say one thing, her hands say another. Her fingers tangle themselves into the folds of her hakama and he knows—he knows that she is a young girl and he knows that there is more.

"Well there must be more than that, Hana," he tries egging her on. "You know there is more to life. One day Lady Sakura might not even need us anymore."

"Don't be stupid," she scolds. "Even the queen still has retainers. There will always be a job for us here."

He frowns; she got him there.

"Maybe so...but don't you want more than that? You don't want a house? Your own castle? Wealth? A family?"

That seems to do the trick as her eyes grow a little wider, her face turning down towards her lap.

"A family..." she whispers to herself.

An odd feeling settles its way into the pit of his stomach as he watches her lips turn down into a frown and her fingers come up to brush hair back behind an ear. He isn't sure what the feeling is, nor what it means, so he ignores it and tries to push it to the depths of his mind.

"Well, what about you, Mister Perfect?" she asks, suddenly looking up at him. "What is it that your heart so dearly desires?"

"Me?" he asks, but he sighs as he leans back onto his hands, adverting his gaze from his answer. "I'd like to fall in love someday."

He hears her nearly choke on air at his answer, bewilderment settling into her mind.

"Love?" she questions, leaning forward to look at him. She seems shocked. "Well shouldn't that be easy for you? There are plenty of girls here that would fall at your feet."

He waves a hand in the air nonchalantly, watching her scrunch up her nose out of the corner of his eye.

"That isn't love, Hana. That's more like lust."

"Lust?"

"Those girls don't know me."

"But they want to."

"Exactly. They don't know me, so they can't love me. There is no such thing as 'love at first sight'. You cannot love someone you don't know."

She captures a contemplative look on her face, her features softening momentarily, as if she's remembered something.

"You don't think so?"

"Hmm?"

"That there's no such thing as love at first sight."

He looks over at her, surprised to find her with a small smile on her face.

"Well, no. Not really. I have never once looked at a girl and immediately thought that I was in love."

He is even more surprised when she laughs suddenly, but it's not harsh at all. It's sweet and kiddish, so very unlike her.

"My father used to always tell me that it was love at first sight with my mother."

His eyebrows rise at that and he then realizes why she's suddenly so tender hearted. Memories of her parents together, they must be the sweetest for her to savor.

"And you believe that?" he asks her, not out of malcontent, but just out of honest curiosity.

"Yes," she says simply, and the smile grows wider on her face and he thinks he realizes what a real wish she has would be.

"I want to fall in love," he says again, his gaze turning back towards the beautiful moon. "I want to find someone that would love me even if I wasn't perfect."

He's expecting cruel laughter, a scoff, maybe even a snort from her, but instead he is given an honest answer.

"No one can love your imperfections if you never show them."

And he is floored by the wisdom she gives him then, her round cheeks and pouty lips and seemingly young self spouting out the words of someone much older. He finds his emotions conflicting with each other inside; his heart and his mind battle with one another as honesty and sarcasm move about. He puts up walls around others, but he had slowly started to take them down around her, whether he realized it or not. 

It had all started with a Pegasus and two little girls watching as he had fallen off of it.

"You've changed quite a bit since we first met, my dear Kazahana."

She punches him in the arm, the use of her formal name working its usual charm.

But she sighs and lies back down in the grass, her hair splayed out all around her. She looks up at him, and for some reason unknown to him, his heart beats a little harder.

"Don't think I'll pretend we didn't have this little talk," she says, a devilish smile now gracing her face. "I'm adding it to my ever growing list of things you wouldn't want others to know about."

He sighs, heavily, but the smile makes its way to his face despite it all, and he lays back into the grass as well.

"I'll keep that in mind," he tells her, and the silence falls for the last time, as the crickets perform their encore.

He doesn't think he wants her to forget.

 

 

He's sitting in one of the servants dining rooms with Hana when Lady Sakura comes by to relieve them of their duties for the rest of the day.

"We're going out with Kamui to the city square!" she tells them excitedly, and it is the most energetic he's heard her in a while. "Ryouma's busy with some business though, but even Takumi is coming with us."

"My lady," he speaks up, placing his bowl on the table. "If we're not to accompany you, then who is?"

She giggles, and it's almost refreshing to see her so openly happy. "Mother said not to worry about any retainers. She said we'll be fine, and to let you all have the day to yourselves."

He frowns, appreciating the chance for some much needed free time, but also becoming skeptical of the queen's unusual order.

He looks over at Hana, a skeptical look also on her face, but he answers quickly before she can disagree, "If the queen says it, then alright."

"I'll see you both after dinner!" she says happily, practically skipping towards the door. "Don't forget that it's our weekly meeting in my room tonight!"

"Of course."

"See you then!" She smiles before turning and leaving the room.

Silence fills the room for no more than a minute before Hana speaks up.

"Weird, isn't it?"

He shovels a spoonful of rice into his mouth, raising a brow at her.

"That the queen relieved _all_ of the retainers."

So she had picked up on it too.

"I suppose it is unusual for an order like that to come about," he says, wiping at his mouth. "But it's not like we've never been given the day off before."

"But _all_ of the retainers," she repeats. "Usually at least one of the royal children has theirs come along."

He sighs, rolling his eyes and then stopping on hers. Her eyebrows are furrowed together with worry. They've been that way a lot lately.

He wants to be annoyed with her doubt but he understands, so he lets his emotions soften, picking his words carefully when he speaks to her.

"They'll be fine, Hana. You just have to trust the queen."

She rolls her eyes and lets out a huff of air, the act blowing stray pieces of her hair out of her face.

"It's not that I don't trust her. I'm just worried that she knows something that we don't."

"She knows plenty that we don't. She's the queen after all. We're just the humble servants."

She frowns at him. "That's not what I mean."

"Then what _do_ you mean?"

She looks around almost conspiratorially before finally settling her eyes on him.

"I’ve heard that the queen has premonitions of things at times. Like a fortune teller or something."

He feels his face fall flat at the absurdity of the statement.

He pats her on the head patronizingly. "Thoughts like that will get you killed, Kazahana. Do be careful, alright?"

She sticks out her lower lip into a pout, obviously annoyed by his answer.

"I think the queen knows something is going to happen," she says, dropping her voice even lower. "She wants to keep casualties to a minimum. That's why she's kept all of the retainers home."

He begins to grow worried. Everything the girl in front of him is saying is completely blasphemous, completely absurd and unrealistic, but a little part of him deep within begins to believe her. And he doesn't know why.

He shifts uncomfortably, pushing his bowl away from him as he loses his appetite. She does the same.

"Orders from the queen are orders from the queen," he says simply, his voice tight. "So we'll stay put like the good children that we are."

She scoffs, rolling her eyes like she so often does. "Since when have you known me to be a good child?"

She has a mischievous glint in her eye, and he gives her that devilish smile he knows so well.

Only this time, something strange happens when she does. His heart stutters, nearly skips a beat when they lock eyes and she smiles.

_Uh-oh_ , he thinks. _That isn't good._

"Maybe I'm just worrying too much. The talk of war has been flowing through the castle a lot more lately, especially since they brought back Kamui."

The lost royal child. He nods in agreement; things have been much more chaotic with Kamui back, talk of the Nohrians coming to retrieve said stolen child in everyone's minds. It wasn't a matter of if they would come to take Kamui, but a matter of when.

He looks at Hana as she starts to tidy up her utensils, moving chopsticks neatly and placing a spoon carefully, moving the bowl directly into the middle. He knows she's worried.

And he knows she's right. The queen must know something is going to happen today.

There's an old Hoshidan saying that goes something like "if one worries too much, then his worries will manifest soon" and he begins to believe it when a commotion occurs outside the servants dining hall. People shouting and rushing by, he turns to catch Hana's eyes but she's already stood, rushing for the door and throwing it open.

She catches a castle guard by the arm, asking him what's going on, and he swallows thickly, locking eyes with her.

"There's been an incident in the square," he tells her.

"An incident? What kind of—"

"There's no time, we've all been ordered to meet at the border."

"The border?"

"Orders from Lord Ryouma," he says, and Tsubaki feels his face turn white.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He is nearly twenty-two and she is not even nineteen when war looms on the horizon. Quite literally.

Together, along with all of the other Hoshidan siblings' retainers, they stand near the mouth of a valley that's close to the border of Hoshido and Nohr.

There had been a panic in the capital after the queen and her center's demise, tales that Nohrian forces led by the crown prince himself were invading with a large number of soldiers. Everyone had rushed away, every sibling, every retainer, every guard and foot soldier they could find within the shortest amount of time. Everyone had rushed away to defend their homeland.

And here they all stood, at the edge of the valley, watching as the Hoshidan royal siblings and the Nohrian royal siblings all rush to the middle of the flattened earth in the center. It looks like a stage, and the gods are putting on a show for the whole world to see.

Fate and destiny go hand in hand as he watches them meet, as the two crown princes of two different countries finally come face to face, and as a lost royal child stands between them, arms raised and voice loud as pleas fill the still air.

It is tense, and neither countries army dares to make a move. They all watch carefully, silently, as a war balances on the edge of tomorrow right in front of their faces.

Lady Sakura steps forward to say something to the lost royal child, and Tsubaki feels a hand suddenly reach out to latch on to his wrist. He looks down to see that it is Hana's, a certain kind of dread painting her magnificent face.

The sun has started to set and he knows that by the time it fully dips below the horizon, a big decision will have been made. War looms on that horizon, and he is scared. _Because people die in wars, Tsubaki_.

"People die in wars, Tsubaki," she says again, and he looks down once more.

She looks up to meet his eyes, and he's never seen her look so anxious.

"A war will breakout no matter what Kamui chooses," she says, her eyes wide. "And many people will die in it."

He feels his stomach drop. Her grip on his wrist tightens a little more.

"No matter what, we have to make sure Lady Sakura doesn't," she says quickly, and he feels his throat burn a bit at the thought of that.

His throats burns a little more as he thinks of her dying as well and he isn't sure why. A few years ago, he wouldn't have cared. Now just the thought is enough to make him question why he was even there.

"I promise I won't let you down," he tells her, and her jaw tightens at his words. The sun sinks a little lower, and everything is cast into a shade of pink as more shouting begins.

They both turn to look down at the stage, at the characters that must play out their show of fate. He wonders what fate the gods have chosen for each of them, whether this show will have a happy or sad ending. 

"No matter what," he says quietly, and her hand releases his wrist, her fingertips sliding down the palm of his hand and grazing his own. He knows he shouldn't, but he catches it before she can get away. "No matter what, I will not disappoint."

"Good," she says simply, and a cry of outrage raises from the center of the valley as a choice is made, as a war begins. The soldiers around him gasp or cry out in rage and in panic as the lost child accepts the fate given.

He feels his heart sink. The queen is dead, a war has begun. Hope and success all seem like pitiful things but he knows he must carry them if they are to win a war. He knows he must or he will let people down.

A war declared all because of a little decision. People will die, people will change.

"I guess you were right," she says, her voice already growing hard. "No more time to waste. We have to go."

And with that she releases his hand, moving to join the sea of Hoshidan soldiers. There are so many here that she could get lost in them, yet he knows that by the end of the war there will not be as much.

People die in wars.

She turns her head back towards him, her body getting pushed by the others moving forward. Her face is set hard like stone and he knows that she is ready for whatever the gods may throw at her. 

"Move it!" she yells out, and he watches as she places her hands on her hips. "You made a promise. Don't tell me you already forgot."

"Of course not," he shouts back, and she rolls her eyes, turning to leave him behind.

His body moves even though he doesn't want it to, and it moves until he is behind her.

A little girl with a sword too big for her, that is who she was when they first met.

A young woman who holds the life of a princess over her head, that is who she is now.

"I will not disappoint," he whispers to himself, the words lost in the commotion of war, the thought for only himself. "I will not let you down."

He's made a promise, he reminds himself, and he intends to keep it. No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And cue the start of "the flowers fall apart (all at once)" or "may the stars look upon you". Happy or sad I recommend both ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so originally this was going to be just one long shot but I'm only three years in out of the seven that I have planned and it was already almost 10,000 words so I was like: yo, chill. I hope to complete the story soon and get it all uploaded in a timely manner. I've had this idea since May and started writing it like three weeks ago and after finally checking the word count I was like okay I'll have to split it up and post it all seperately. Anyways thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!!! (also this is one of the shortest chapters i've ever posted it hurts me :'( )


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